From Insecure to Secure: What Shifting Attachment Styles Looks Like in Real Life
We often hear the term "attachment style" thrown around in the world of dating, but what does it actually mean? Attachment theory explains how our early interactions with caregivers influence the way we connect with others throughout our lives. Our attachment styles are formed very early, and can even begin developing while we are still in the womb. During this time, we can develop either a secure or insecure attachment style.
If we have caregivers who are reliable, consistent, and emotionally and physically responsive, we are more likely to develop a secure attachment. On the other hand, if we lack these qualities in a caregiver, we may develop an insecure attachment. It’s important to note that while our attachment styles initially form in our earliest years, they are not set in stone. Significant relationships throughout our lives can impact and even change our attachment style.
How Attachment Styles Affect Our Relationships
Our attachment style impacts how we show up in our relationships - especially romantic ones. It influences how we interpret others’ behavior, how we behave ourselves, and how we interact with our partners. Attachment styles can make dating feel frustrating, difficult, or unsatisfying. But what if you could shift your attachment style to something more secure? The great news is that this is absolutely possible. With the right person, tools, and time, you can shift from an insecure to a secure attachment style.
The Importance of Relationship in Shifting Attachment Styles
It’s important to understand that shifting your attachment style cannot be done in isolation - it must happen in relation to another person. That said, this person does not have to be a romantic partner; it could be a friend, a therapist, or even a mentor. The key point is that we can only heal our relational wounds within the context of a relationship. Experiencing a secure and safe relationship helps shift our beliefs and allows us to move away from insecurity.
Shifting from insecure to secure attachment involves several components: gaining self-awareness, healing past wounds, developing healthy boundaries, and building emotional safety.
Understanding Insecure Attachment
If you are someone who fears rejection and constantly craves reassurance, or you tend to pull away and avoid emotional closeness, you may have an insecure attachment style. But it’s important to remember: this does not mean there is anything wrong with you. Many factors influence the development of our attachment styles, and recognizing which style you identify with is not about shame; it’s about gaining insight into what experiences shaped you and how those experiences impact your relationships today.
When we understand our attachment style, we can grow in compassion and understanding for ourselves, which ultimately creates space for positive change.
Therapy as a Tool for Shifting Attachment Styles
Therapy can be an invaluable tool for moving toward a more secure attachment style. In fact, the relationship between therapist and client may be the first secure relationship someone has experienced, and it can be a powerful demonstration that safety and security are possible. Through tools like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and even somatic practices, individuals and couples can work through attachment-related challenges and develop a secure attachment.
What Does a Secure Relationship Look Like?
For those with an insecure attachment style, the idea of a "secure relationship" may seem somewhat mysterious. Here are some characteristics of secure relationships that can help clarify what a secure relationship looks like:
Open and Honest Communication
In a secure relationship, communication is transparent and straightforward. Couples confront conflict in a way that allows both partners to express their emotions, needs, and boundaries safely. If you find yourself constantly managing your partner’s emotions, guessing what they’re thinking, or fearing their reaction when expressing your own needs, these are signs that the relationship may not be secure.Emotional Regulation
In any long-term or intimate relationship, tough situations are inevitable. In a secure relationship, these moments are met with calm and groundedness - not emotional volatility or shutdown. Partners in secure relationships are able to self-soothe, which allows them to engage in conflict without relying on constant validation or shutting down.Mutual Support
A secure relationship is built on the foundation of mutual support, where both partners feel equally invested in each other’s well-being. Secure relationships recognize that no one is perfect and that individuals can grow together.
Practicing Self-Compassion and Patience
Shifting to a secure attachment style takes time, and self-compassion is key. It’s important to be patient with yourself and recognize that behavioral change doesn’t happen overnight. A secure relationship involves practicing transparency and sharing vulnerabilities without fear of judgment or shame. In a healthy, secure relationship, both partners feel comfortable expressing their true selves.
Moving Toward Steadiness and Stability
When we are used to insecure relationships, we often experience the emotional highs and lows that come with them. As we move toward secure relationships, we start to notice things becoming more steady and stable. This doesn’t mean we’ve magically become "secure" overnight - shifting our attachment style is a gradual process. But the consistency and steadiness of a secure partner can help us feel safe enough to trust and depend on them, eventually moving us closer to a more balanced, secure place.
Shifting from an insecure to a secure attachment style isn’t an overnight process, but it’s a journey worth taking. With self-awareness, support, and patience, you can create the foundation for healthier, more connected relationships. After all, the most rewarding relationships are the ones where both partners feel seen, heard, and loved for who they truly are.
